I woke this morning with a weight on my heart, was it the week I had, or maybe the silent dreams I had last night. I woke with you on my mind, the heartbreak of losing you, being able to hold you, hug you, kiss you, listen to your voice, and your laugh. Somedays it's just so raw, You will never hear me say losing you, my child is easy, over time I'm able to deal with the pain but it is always there.💔 Life goes on, dealing with the loss gets easier.
Jacob I see you so clearly, I close my eyes, you're right there an arm length away. This Oct we will be coming up on your 21st birthday, I can only picture you being about 5'6", brown hair medium build, a smile that would light up the room and a people person personality with a splash of goofy, you would be strong & confident.
You would have a little brother that would look up to you and try to follow in your footsteps, you would have been that great Big Brother.
WOW the last post was 2013, but its only a post, there is never a day that goes by that I don't talk to you.
I can't say it has gotten easier as the time goes by, I still cry when I talk about you, I still remember memories of you as if they just happened, I still remember the day we lost you, I still feel the PAIN, that heart wrenching pain as if it just happened. That day still can still bring me to my knees in tears remembering how I was pleading to just let it be me.
February 1st 2021 will be 11 years, 11 years I wished to have seen you grow, wished I could have seen so many milestones, wished I could have seen you grow into man, watched you learn how to drive and wished I could have watched you graduate high school.
Dillon even says he wished he would have met you, had a big brother to play with. He will always have the memories we share with him, pictures of his big brave bother that is always watching over him.
Cancer is a word that we all hate, a word I wish did not exist. Because of that word, I continue to keep your memory alive, I continue to fight for so many other kiddos. I always hope my actions in all I do will make a difference no matter how small. I just hope one day I can say I was part of that movement to put an end to Childhood Cancer.
BECAUSE OF MY SON WHO BRAVELY FOUGHT THE BEAST CALLED CANCER!!
Jacob as I sit here and right this, Dillon is telling me he wishes you were here so he can have that big brother. Breaks my heart!
Love you to the moon and back, always and forever,
It's been so long since I sat and wrote in your Dear Jacob Blog, it's hard to re write what I write from paper to the computer.
Jacob I have missed you so much in the last 3 years, I can't believe it's already been 3 years since you left. There is not a day that does not pass that my heart aches, you are always right there in my thoughts. After everything with you I did not know If I wanted to have another child. When you would say Daddy I want a sister, so I can protect her I always thought that was the cutest thing. I knew with all the hospital stays It was not the right time, but when is the right time?? I thought there was never going to be the right time, but there was and I knew it. Your baby bother was a little miracle came into this world the same way you did, emergency c section. He came out screaming, with you beside him watching over him.
There is not a day that goes by that we think how things would have been with you here with your little brother Dillon.
DADDY AND YOUR LITTLE BROTHER DILLON, HE IS ONLY 8 DAY OLD
IN THE NICU, WHERE I KNOW YOU NEVER LEFT HIS SIDE
Dillon is already going to be 8 months in 2 days on the 29th and then a few days later your 3 year Angelversary. Once again we will be sending balloons up to you, a tradition that Dillon will be able to partake in. I am sure next year he will be wanting to send balloons up to you next year! Did you know I buy an angel figurine every year in memory of your passing? So that is still something I need to go get.
My Dear Jacob, Today was so totally amazing!!! There are no other words for the Memorial Service. The Memorial started at 10:00am Daddy and I with Ferra showed up about 9:30, we pulled up towards the church and I said look at all those cars, its only 9;30, are they all for Jacob? Yes they were, we pulled into the church lot to find people standing outside, and others already waiting to sign the guest book inside, WOW, so many people. Patty Ruth, Ginny and others help with getting every ready, I walked in, it was set up so beautiful, your picture poster board in the lobby, the flowers, your picture and your Urn at the front of the church, at that point I started to go numb, things started to blur, this is not right, why am I here, I should not be here, you should be standing next to me at some fun event for you. People start to come up to me, I greeted, I smiled and I was being ripped to shreds inside, at any moment I felt I was going to fall apart. It’s sad to say but with all the people coming up to me I can honestly say I could not really remember every one. It was like I was in a thick haze. It was time to sit, as we sat and Rev Ron started to talk I found my self getting lost in your Picture that was in front of me with your Urn with the beautiful flowers surrounding it all. The words that were spoken by Rev Ron and Father Javier were amazing and moving, I could not have ask for anything better for my one and only son. We finished with a Music Video called I Can Only Imagine By Mercy Me
and a picture slide show with all your favorite songs. Then we all walked out side with the kids doing a Nerf Gun Salute to you (I know you were right there with your own nerf gun) and a balloon release. Jacob all for you, I know you were smiling down on us today, and not to mention no rain not even a cloud. I could not have asked for a more beautiful day, blue skies with a soft breeze, the air was so fresh. I know we have met a lot of people through your journey and also touched many lives, but I really did not know how many would actually show up to your service, can you believe there were OVER 200 PEOPLE at your memorial, WOW! Family, friends, both your Dr’s, nurses and people who read your Caring Bridge site, some of them were from out of state. It totally was AMAZING! I truly know you have touched so many people, what a blessing. You are one special person, my special person. We had a reception after at the house, we had approx 115 people for that. What a day, emotional and amazing, today was ALL ABOUT YOU JACOB! You are truly missed and loved by so many, you were one amazing little man. Love you and miss you so much Jacob, Mommy XXOXOX
Dear Jacob, I can’t sleep, tomorrow, (well now it is this morning) is Sat, your memorial. Has everything been done, does everyone know what they are doing? Jacob I know you touched a lot of lives but I have know idea who or how many people are going to be there at your memorial. There is chance rain, Oh Man YUK, why tomorrow!?! I am praying that tomorrow is a beautiful day. So many people are helping to make sure it is nothing short than perfect! You will be proud. Love you so much! Sweet Dream Precious one, Love you Always, Mommy XXOXOXOX
Dear Jacob, What a day Jacob, today was a Happy Day, today was a day I brought you home were you belong. Daddy said he wanted to go with to go pick you up but I did not want to wait. It was also something I really needed to do. So while Daddy was at work I headed down to the mortuary hoping there were no mistakes on the Urn or the Death Certificate. Also wondering how it would be when she brought your Urn out. I got out in front and sat in the car overcome with emotions and sat talking out loud to you, people walking by probably thought I was insane, did I care, no! I rembered all the times you and I would be in the car and I would be talking to myself and you would tell me “Mommy stop talking to your self”, we would laugh and I would stop :o) I finally got out of the car and went in, with sun glasses on, walked in and told them I was here to pick up Jacob Samaniego. She brought your Death Certificate out first, I could not bring my self to open it and look at it. She then went back to go get your Urn, I stood there with my heart beating so hard as I tried to take deep breaths, thinking I can do this. She brought your Urn out and put it on her desk as I stared at it. She ask me if there was anything else I said no and told here thank you, as I pick you up off her desk. As soon as I laid my hands on your Urn the tears just started running down my face, there was no controlling it. I slid your Urn off the desk with both hands and wrapped my arms around you like a new born baby, nothing was going to happen to you. I got out to the car and put you in the front passenger seat with the seat belt on, there was no possible way you were going to slide off that seat. I wanted to call your Daddy and tell him I had you in the car but I was crying so hard there would be no way to do that. I got home and just so carful took you out of the car and told you, you are now home where you are going to stay with Mommy and Daddy. I took a pic with my cell phone and texted Daddy to show him that you are now home. Sweet Dreams Sweetie, I am so glad you are home! Love and Kisses, Mommy
Dear Jacob, This morning I woke up, went into your room and knelt down in front of the bed were stood the BEAUTIFUL poster board we had made for you. Looking at all the pic’s of all your smiles. You had so much to offer, taught so many what it meant to be strong. All the pic’s mean so much for me. Aunt Nikki and I went to Michaels & Joanne’s on Wed to look for all the things we were going to use to decorate the pic’s to put up on the board that was going to sit at the entrance of the church at your memorial for all to see. Then on Thursday we all got together to do the poster board, it was because of every one that helped is why it came out so good :O) thank you to Aunt Nikki, Coleen, Taralyn, Patty & Eleanor, yes Eleanor the one you always loved to say OH MEHO and you loved to say it right back. We also made key rings and bracelets to hand out to every one that sais I love Jacob & Jacobs Hope. Every day I see more and more how much you were loved! Missing you something awful, to the ends of the earth! Sweet dream my precious, Love, Mommy OXOXOXX
