Sunday, January 27, 2013

TIME.....

It's been so long since I sat and wrote in your Dear Jacob Blog, it's hard to re write what I write from paper to the computer. Jacob I have missed you so much in the last 3 years, I can't believe it's already been 3 years since you left. There is not a day that does not pass that my heart aches, you are always right there in my thoughts. After everything with you I did not know If I wanted to have another child. When you would say Daddy I want a sister, so I can protect her I always thought that was the cutest thing. I knew with all the hospital stays It was not the right time, but when is the right time?? I thought there was never going to be the right time, but there was and I knew it. Your baby bother was a little miracle came into this world the same way you did, emergency c section. He came out screaming, with you beside him watching over him. There is not a day that goes by that we think how things would have been with you here with your little brother Dillon.
DADDY AND YOUR LITTLE BROTHER DILLON, HE IS ONLY 8 DAY OLD
IN THE NICU, WHERE I KNOW YOU NEVER LEFT HIS SIDE 

 Dillon is already going to be 8 months in 2 days on the 29th and then a few days later your 3 year Angelversary. Once again we will be sending balloons up to you, a tradition that Dillon will be able to partake in. I am sure next year he will be wanting to send balloons up to you next year! Did you know I buy an angel figurine every year in memory of your passing? So that is still something I need to go get.
Valentines Day 2009-MOMMY'S LITTLE VALENTINE

Missing you so much,
Love you sweet Jacob,
Love Mommy XOXOXOX

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Saturday, 2/13/2010 11:13 PM

My Dear Jacob,
Today was so totally amazing!!! There are no other words for the Memorial Service. The Memorial started at 10:00am Daddy and I with Ferra showed up about 9:30, we pulled up towards the church and I said look at all those cars, its only 9;30, are they all for Jacob? Yes they were, we pulled into the church lot to find people standing outside, and others already waiting to sign the guest book inside, WOW, so many people. Patty Ruth, Ginny and others help with getting every ready, I walked in, it was set up so beautiful, your picture poster board in the lobby, the flowers, your picture and your Urn at the front of the church, at that point I started to go numb, things started to blur, this is not right, why am I here, I should not be here, you should be standing next to me at some fun event for you. People start to come up to me, I greeted, I smiled and I was being ripped to shreds inside, at any moment I felt I was going to fall apart. It’s sad to say but with all the people coming up to me I can honestly say I could not really remember every one. It was like I was in a thick haze. It was time to sit, as we sat and Rev Ron started to talk I found my self getting lost in your Picture that was in front of me with your Urn with the beautiful flowers surrounding it all. The words that were spoken by Rev Ron and Father Javier were amazing and moving, I could not have ask for anything better for my one and only son. We finished with a Music Video called I Can Only Imagine By Mercy Me

and a picture slide show with all your favorite songs. Then we all walked out side with the kids doing a Nerf Gun Salute to you (I know you were right there with your own nerf gun) and a balloon release.

Jacob all for you, I know you were smiling down on us today, and not to mention no rain not even a cloud. I could not have asked for a more beautiful day, blue skies with a soft breeze, the air was so fresh.
I know we have met a lot of people through your journey and also touched many lives, but I really did not know how many would actually show up to your service, can you believe there were OVER 200 PEOPLE at your memorial, WOW! Family, friends, both your Dr’s, nurses and people who read your Caring Bridge site, some of them were from out of state. It totally was AMAZING! I truly know you have touched so many people, what a blessing. You are one special person, my special person. We had a reception after at the house, we had approx 115 people for that. What a day, emotional and amazing, today was ALL ABOUT YOU JACOB!
You are truly missed and loved by so many, you were one amazing little man.
Love you and miss you so much Jacob,
Mommy XXOXOX

Saturday, 2/13/2010 1:59 AM

Dear Jacob,
I can’t sleep, tomorrow, (well now it is this morning) is Sat, your memorial. Has everything been done, does everyone know what they are doing? Jacob I know you touched a lot of lives but I have know idea who or how many people are going to be there at your memorial. There is chance rain, Oh Man YUK, why tomorrow!?! I am praying that tomorrow is a beautiful day. So many people are helping to make sure it is nothing short than perfect! You will be proud. Love you so much!
Sweet Dream Precious one,
Love you Always,
Mommy XXOXOXOX

Sunday, April 25, 2010

2/10/2010 7:27 PM

Dear Jacob,
What a day Jacob, today was a Happy Day, today was a day I brought you home were you belong. Daddy said he wanted to go with to go pick you up but I did not want to wait. It was also something I really needed to do. So while Daddy was at work I headed down to the mortuary hoping there were no mistakes on the Urn or the Death Certificate. Also wondering how it would be when she brought your Urn out. I got out in front and sat in the car overcome with emotions and sat talking out loud to you, people walking by probably thought I was insane, did I care, no! I rembered all the times you and I would be in the car and I would be talking to myself and you would tell me “Mommy stop talking to your self”, we would laugh and I would stop :o) I finally got out of the car and went in, with sun glasses on, walked in and told them I was here to pick up Jacob Samaniego. She brought your Death Certificate out first, I could not bring my self to open it and look at it. She then went back to go get your Urn, I stood there with my heart beating so hard as I tried to take deep breaths, thinking I can do this. She brought your Urn out and put it on her desk as I stared at it. She ask me if there was anything else I said no and told here thank you, as I pick you up off her desk. As soon as I laid my hands on your Urn the tears just started running down my face, there was no controlling it. I slid your Urn off the desk with both hands and wrapped my arms around you like a new born baby, nothing was going to happen to you. I got out to the car and put you in the front passenger seat with the seat belt on, there was no possible way you were going to slide off that seat. I wanted to call your Daddy and tell him I had you in the car but I was crying so hard there would be no way to do that. I got home and just so carful took you out of the car and told you, you are now home where you are going to stay with Mommy and Daddy.

I took a pic with my cell phone and texted Daddy to show him that you are now home.
Sweet Dreams Sweetie, I am so glad you are home!
Love and Kisses,
Mommy

2/5/2010 11:46:44 PM

Dear Jacob,
This morning I woke up, went into your room and knelt down in front of the bed were stood the BEAUTIFUL poster board we had made for you. Looking at all the pic’s of all your smiles. You had so much to offer, taught so many what it meant to be strong. All the pic’s mean so much for me.

Aunt Nikki and I went to Michaels & Joanne’s on Wed to look for all the things we were going to use to decorate the pic’s to put up on the board that was going to sit at the entrance of the church at your memorial for all to see.

Then on Thursday we all got together to do the poster board, it was because of every one that helped is why it came out so good :O) thank you to Aunt Nikki, Coleen, Taralyn, Patty & Eleanor, yes Eleanor the one you always loved to say OH MEHO and you loved to say it right back. We also made key rings and bracelets to hand out to every one that sais I love Jacob & Jacobs Hope. Every day I see more and more how much you were loved!
Missing you something awful, to the ends of the earth!
Sweet dream my precious, Love,
Mommy OXOXOXX

Thursday, April 15, 2010

2/5/2010 11:02 PM

Dear Jacob,
Day in and day out, missing you, that is all I do. It has been 4 days since we left the hospital without, the hardest thing I could have every done besides losing you. It is so hard just to have time by my self, daddy’s not working, Aunt Nikki’s not working, is helping with a lot of things. I just have not had time just to sit by my self and talk to you, that just tears me up. I turn the TV on to your cartoons, gives me a little part of you. If like you are sitting just in the other room, I just don’t here you beautiful laugh. At night is really hard, I have been grabbing your pillow, doggie and blanket from your room and going to bed with it. I still smell you as if you were lying there next to me.
We went out to dinner the other night with Patty & Joe, it’s just not the same not having you there with us. I go places, but my mind is somewhere else, I don’t know how much of the conversation I am actually absorbing. I was told Drew is taking your death so hard, that just breaks my heart & to know you two had such a special friendship means so much. You two just clicked the first time you got to play together.


Daddy and I went over to Wal-Mart after to go pick up some things we need for the house, that was so hard. I was so emotional, I just followed Daddy around, I could not even tell you what was in the store that day.
I am missing you so much Jacob, I am still waiting to wake up from the nightmare our lives our in. I look up into the clouds as thoughts of you fly by.
Love you sweetie, good night
OXOXOXX
Mommy

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

2/3/2010 11:02 PM

I'm right here in your Heart

Dear Mommy,
When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see if the sun should rise
and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things we didn't get to say,
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you.
Each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an angel came, and called my name and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready for me in Heaven,
and that I had to leave behind, all those things I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
for all of life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.
I had much to live for, so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you, and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized, that could never be,
for emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through Heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from his great golden throne,
he said, "This is eternity, and all I've promised you.
Today your life on Earth has past, But here it starts anew.
I have been so faithful, so trusting and so true,
I’ve gotten my free pass, and now at last I’m free.
So won't you take my memories and
hold my life so close and near?"
So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart, for every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your Heart.