Sunday, April 25, 2010

2/10/2010 7:27 PM

Dear Jacob,
What a day Jacob, today was a Happy Day, today was a day I brought you home were you belong. Daddy said he wanted to go with to go pick you up but I did not want to wait. It was also something I really needed to do. So while Daddy was at work I headed down to the mortuary hoping there were no mistakes on the Urn or the Death Certificate. Also wondering how it would be when she brought your Urn out. I got out in front and sat in the car overcome with emotions and sat talking out loud to you, people walking by probably thought I was insane, did I care, no! I rembered all the times you and I would be in the car and I would be talking to myself and you would tell me “Mommy stop talking to your self”, we would laugh and I would stop :o) I finally got out of the car and went in, with sun glasses on, walked in and told them I was here to pick up Jacob Samaniego. She brought your Death Certificate out first, I could not bring my self to open it and look at it. She then went back to go get your Urn, I stood there with my heart beating so hard as I tried to take deep breaths, thinking I can do this. She brought your Urn out and put it on her desk as I stared at it. She ask me if there was anything else I said no and told here thank you, as I pick you up off her desk. As soon as I laid my hands on your Urn the tears just started running down my face, there was no controlling it. I slid your Urn off the desk with both hands and wrapped my arms around you like a new born baby, nothing was going to happen to you. I got out to the car and put you in the front passenger seat with the seat belt on, there was no possible way you were going to slide off that seat. I wanted to call your Daddy and tell him I had you in the car but I was crying so hard there would be no way to do that. I got home and just so carful took you out of the car and told you, you are now home where you are going to stay with Mommy and Daddy.

I took a pic with my cell phone and texted Daddy to show him that you are now home.
Sweet Dreams Sweetie, I am so glad you are home!
Love and Kisses,

2/5/2010 11:46:44 PM

Dear Jacob,
This morning I woke up, went into your room and knelt down in front of the bed were stood the BEAUTIFUL poster board we had made for you. Looking at all the pic’s of all your smiles. You had so much to offer, taught so many what it meant to be strong. All the pic’s mean so much for me.

Aunt Nikki and I went to Michaels & Joanne’s on Wed to look for all the things we were going to use to decorate the pic’s to put up on the board that was going to sit at the entrance of the church at your memorial for all to see.

Then on Thursday we all got together to do the poster board, it was because of every one that helped is why it came out so good :O) thank you to Aunt Nikki, Coleen, Taralyn, Patty & Eleanor, yes Eleanor the one you always loved to say OH MEHO and you loved to say it right back. We also made key rings and bracelets to hand out to every one that sais I love Jacob & Jacobs Hope. Every day I see more and more how much you were loved!
Missing you something awful, to the ends of the earth!
Sweet dream my precious, Love,

Thursday, April 15, 2010

2/5/2010 11:02 PM

Dear Jacob,
Day in and day out, missing you, that is all I do. It has been 4 days since we left the hospital without, the hardest thing I could have every done besides losing you. It is so hard just to have time by my self, daddy’s not working, Aunt Nikki’s not working, is helping with a lot of things. I just have not had time just to sit by my self and talk to you, that just tears me up. I turn the TV on to your cartoons, gives me a little part of you. If like you are sitting just in the other room, I just don’t here you beautiful laugh. At night is really hard, I have been grabbing your pillow, doggie and blanket from your room and going to bed with it. I still smell you as if you were lying there next to me.
We went out to dinner the other night with Patty & Joe, it’s just not the same not having you there with us. I go places, but my mind is somewhere else, I don’t know how much of the conversation I am actually absorbing. I was told Drew is taking your death so hard, that just breaks my heart & to know you two had such a special friendship means so much. You two just clicked the first time you got to play together.

Daddy and I went over to Wal-Mart after to go pick up some things we need for the house, that was so hard. I was so emotional, I just followed Daddy around, I could not even tell you what was in the store that day.
I am missing you so much Jacob, I am still waiting to wake up from the nightmare our lives our in. I look up into the clouds as thoughts of you fly by.
Love you sweetie, good night

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

2/3/2010 11:02 PM

I'm right here in your Heart

Dear Mommy,
When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see if the sun should rise
and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things we didn't get to say,
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you.
Each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an angel came, and called my name and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready for me in Heaven,
and that I had to leave behind, all those things I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
for all of life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.
I had much to live for, so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you, and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized, that could never be,
for emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through Heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from his great golden throne,
he said, "This is eternity, and all I've promised you.
Today your life on Earth has past, But here it starts anew.
I have been so faithful, so trusting and so true,
I’ve gotten my free pass, and now at last I’m free.
So won't you take my memories and
hold my life so close and near?"
So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart, for every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your Heart.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Feb. 2, 2010 11:52 PM

Dear Jacob,
What a day today, no sleep, waited for the memorial place to call between 8:am and noon. I walk around the house lost, you’re missing, I go to your room and talk to you but no one answers. It still does not feel real, I can’t even explain the feeling I have, I am so numb. I can’t stop crying today, I just can’t control it. Jacob I can’t even explain to you how much I am missing you right now. Daddy and I had to go to the Memorial place to make your arrangements for your memorial; I already know you are coming home with us!! You were not suppose be gone before us and home is where your suppose to be. So Daddy and I decided we are going to cremate you so you can be home with us. We had to go down and tell them what are plans were for you. They called this morning around 9: AM, so we went down about 10:30 – 11:00, Grandma, Aunt Nikki, Aunt Roberta, Taralyn, Vern and Patty were all there to support us, Jacob so many people loved you!! I wish we weren’t even there today, I would much rather had been home with you watching some good cartoons. This is something that had to be done, I knew I wanted simple but nice. Daddy wanted a little boy angel on your urn, so we got a boy cherub on a nice oak box (urn). With your full name, your Birth date and date you went to Heaven. I will take a picture when I pick you up. They are telling us that it could take about 15 days to get all the paper work and get you cremated, so we set the date of your memorial for Feb. 13th. 1 day before Valentines Day, what a way to celebrate with the ones you love…………THIS IS SO UNFAIR, THIS IS JUST SO HARD! I am missing everything about you, just one hug, one kiss. Daddy and I did go to lunch with Grandma & Aunt Nikki after, I was just sort of there, empty inside.
Good Night Sweetie, I love you so much!

Feb. 2, 2010 2:38 AM

Dear Jacob,
I am so so sorry, I know I promised you we would only be at the hospital for a few days. Just to get some antibiotics in you so you would feel better. I know every time I asked you how you felt you would keep telling me “FINE MOMMY” I know you did not want to be at the hospital and I wanted to bring you home as soon as possible. I am so sorry! Jacob when Dr. Horvath came into your room, I just knew by the look on her face and the words “it’s not good”. She did not have to say another word; I knew it was your time. When you laid there I wanted you so much to open your eyes and tell me “Mommy I Love you” those words have always meant so much to me. As I stood next to you with your hand in mine all I wanted to do was tell you to fight, hold on. I knew deep down it was time, your little body and your soul had enough, you had fought a good fight and it was time to say good buy. I watched every little detail about you, my eyes never left you, not even for a moment. I told you it was ok, and I love you so much, I don’t even know how many times I repeated that, I just wanted to make sure you knew. When Father Javier got there and started praying over you I watched you slowly slip away as if you knew the timing was right. As he finished his last prayer you took your last breath, it could not have even been planed that perfect. You looked so peaceful, my beautiful boy, so brave! There are so many things I will never again be able to tell you, so many things I won't be able to say that I wanted to or should have said. I won't be able to see my beautiful little man grow up to be that young strong man. I wish so much that I could hold you in my arms again and tell you how much I love you, see your bright smile, and hear that perfect little laugh. You can only imagine how much you changed my life and made me the person that I am today. Jacob you truly showed me and everyone about being a true courageous hero. You taught us what the true meaning of life is. You always thought of others first, no matter what we are going through and no matter how bad you felt. It took you, my seven year old son to remind me to appreciate life and to appreciate every day. It just tears me apart to think I will never be able to see your bright shinning person you had become. You were my “Little Man” who was so full of life and energy and ALWAYS wearing that bright smile. I know so many people are going to miss you!! I have no idea how I will tell them that you earned your Angel Wings, when for me it does not seem true. This is so hard for me to accept, this was not supposed to happen. I am so sorry I could not protect you from the terrible monster that ravaged your little body! I am your mother and I was supposed to protect you from everything. This is just tearing me up; I feel I let you down. Jacob you don’t know how proud your daddy and I are of you tonight, you were so brave, courageous like you have been during this whole battle with cancer, you never once let us down. Your genuinely honest, caring, loving person, I wish I could hold you in my arms every day for the rest of my life and tell you how much I love you. My life, all of our lives are going to be so changed without you here, but I know you will continue to be in so many peoples thoughts. I feel so blessed that I was able to have you for the 7 years I did. I know that you knew without a doubt that Daddy & I loved you with every ounce of our being, you are our every thing. The love you showed, the love of life, even in hard times, the pureness of your soul.....because everything you did was done from the goodness of your heart. The love you showed to everybody, and the courage you had. You will always be our toughest little man we know. Your love and light will be missed by so many. Sweetie, I already miss you more than you can possibly imagine, I love you so much Jacob and I pray that I fall asleep each night with dreams of your beautiful smile & laugh. I love you and would give my life to hold you and tell you that again.
With All My Love, Forever,