Dear Jacob,
I am so so sorry, I know I promised you we would only be at the hospital for a few days. Just to get some antibiotics in you so you would feel better. I know every time I asked you how you felt you would keep telling me “FINE MOMMY” I know you did not want to be at the hospital and I wanted to bring you home as soon as possible. I am so sorry! Jacob when Dr. Horvath came into your room, I just knew by the look on her face and the words “it’s not good”. She did not have to say another word; I knew it was your time. When you laid there I wanted you so much to open your eyes and tell me “Mommy I Love you” those words have always meant so much to me. As I stood next to you with your hand in mine all I wanted to do was tell you to fight, hold on. I knew deep down it was time, your little body and your soul had enough, you had fought a good fight and it was time to say good buy. I watched every little detail about you, my eyes never left you, not even for a moment. I told you it was ok, and I love you so much, I don’t even know how many times I repeated that, I just wanted to make sure you knew. When Father Javier got there and started praying over you I watched you slowly slip away as if you knew the timing was right. As he finished his last prayer you took your last breath, it could not have even been planed that perfect. You looked so peaceful, my beautiful boy, so brave! There are so many things I will never again be able to tell you, so many things I won't be able to say that I wanted to or should have said. I won't be able to see my beautiful little man grow up to be that young strong man. I wish so much that I could hold you in my arms again and tell you how much I love you, see your bright smile, and hear that perfect little laugh. You can only imagine how much you changed my life and made me the person that I am today. Jacob you truly showed me and everyone about being a true courageous hero. You taught us what the true meaning of life is. You always thought of others first, no matter what we are going through and no matter how bad you felt. It took you, my seven year old son to remind me to appreciate life and to appreciate every day. It just tears me apart to think I will never be able to see your bright shinning person you had become. You were my “Little Man” who was so full of life and energy and ALWAYS wearing that bright smile. I know so many people are going to miss you!! I have no idea how I will tell them that you earned your Angel Wings, when for me it does not seem true. This is so hard for me to accept, this was not supposed to happen. I am so sorry I could not protect you from the terrible monster that ravaged your little body! I am your mother and I was supposed to protect you from everything. This is just tearing me up; I feel I let you down. Jacob you don’t know how proud your daddy and I are of you tonight, you were so brave, courageous like you have been during this whole battle with cancer, you never once let us down. Your genuinely honest, caring, loving person, I wish I could hold you in my arms every day for the rest of my life and tell you how much I love you. My life, all of our lives are going to be so changed without you here, but I know you will continue to be in so many peoples thoughts. I feel so blessed that I was able to have you for the 7 years I did. I know that you knew without a doubt that Daddy & I loved you with every ounce of our being, you are our every thing. The love you showed, the love of life, even in hard times, the pureness of your soul.....because everything you did was done from the goodness of your heart. The love you showed to everybody, and the courage you had. You will always be our toughest little man we know. Your love and light will be missed by so many. Sweetie, I already miss you more than you can possibly imagine, I love you so much Jacob and I pray that I fall asleep each night with dreams of your beautiful smile & laugh. I love you and would give my life to hold you and tell you that again.
With All My Love, Forever,
Mommy
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